Lead-line, In-hand, or liberty non-ridden class (walk/trot),Preparatory level (walk/trot) and Preliminary level (walk/trot with canter between obstacles), Novice level (walk/trot, and the start of canter for executing obstacles).
All you need to enter is:
A camera with tripod or friend to film you
A dressage size area with access to items for creating simple obstacles (no construction required), e.g. barrels/buckets/cones/tyres and jump poles, or similar items
The nervous system is becoming an increasingly important area of focus in understanding behaviours, both in horses and ourselves.
Since I wrote the previous articles, I have watched an interview series on trauma which has some very good information that can be applied to how we approach our own emotional responses as well that of the horse. We share a relatively similar nervous system functioning as mammals. This involves the sympathetic nervous system, responsible for mobilising the body during threat and the parasympathetic nervous system that returns the body to ‘homeostasis’ where there is an optimal functioning to the body, enabling a rest and digest mode.
Trauma is a manifestation of stress in the body. It can also be collective (as in societal trauma from prejudice or war), and generational where it is recalled in the body as ‘inherited’ from our forebearers. Trauma symptoms are evident in PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) which is an event that causes trauma or C-PTSD (complex PTSD) that comes from a prolonged stressful environment or adverse childhood experiences (ACE’s). When we are under stress, the body is working to restore homeostasis, however when the stress builds up without release the system can get overloaded. This has a detrimental effect on the immune and nervous systems, causing inflammation and pain that can develop into more serious health issues.
Horses are under constant conditions of stress, due to weather conditions and food finding, and if domesticated they will also be dealing with the demands placed on them by us. They may also be physically injured and fighting pathogens which will be causing a physiological reaction to restore homeostasis. Nature has provided a way for the stress to be handled with co-regulation. This is provided by bonding and attachment, where mammals attune to each other and provide emotional safety which settles the nervous system. A lack of bonding and attachment disrupts the ability to co-regulate and this intensifies the incidences of stress, and leads to behavioural adaptations to manage the amount of stress, such as avoidance and disassociation.
This would explain the spooky horse ‘syndrome’ – which is a behavioural adaptation into an avoidant horse. In my readings about this topic, it has become evident that the nervous system is a key factor in the well being and coping mechanism of horses.
I have experienced an anecdotal account of this with my horse, Lily, last week. As I have been preparing to teach a session on ‘Resetting the Nervous System’, I had been making additional efforts with Lily to settle her nervous system last week in lieu of riding. On Saturday, at our riding session after not riding at all during the week, Lily was on the best form that she had been in about six months.
This phenomena can be explained by the feeling of safety (parasympathetic nervous system functioning) and connection (co-regulation). It is an area that is being explored more in the horse world, and is supported by human research such as Polyvagal theory (Dr. Stephen Porges) and Somatic Experiencing (Peter Levine). The physiological factors have a very important role in the ability to heal and perform optimally, including higher order brain functions and learning capacity.
Resetting the Nervous System will be a series of sessions on identifying areas of tension, proprioception modification, soothing techniques, and posture adaptation. These methods are based on observations of a range of practitioners, self-study, insights and observations. The techniques are all suitable for self-learning and will not only be beneficial for the mind and body of the horse, but also for ourselves.
Saturday 26th June 2021, 9am – 10.30am at Highbury Equestrian Park (formerly Stable88) in Matakana. See event on Facebook.
Following on from the previous post which talks about our composure in helping horses through their anxiety, there are a number of actions we can take as well to interrupt anxiety and help our horses cope with scary situations.
These are based on some personal experiences getting my own horses through difficult situations – my list is not comprehensive by any means. The main point I would like to make is that there are two paths the horse can take in their thinking once they find themselves experiencing fear. Either towards self-soothing or not. The latter ends up in a bolt, spook, or some other highly adrenaline-bound behaviour. If the horse has learnt to self-soothe then they will be able to interrupt their own anxiety. We can give them a hand with this by introducing actions that will interrupt it and help them down the path to self-soothing.
Tip 1. Let the horse move their feet if they are mildly fearful. Move in a circle to stop any bolting.
Tip 2. Stop movement completely by disengaging the hind in a one rein stop. This is for extremely fearful situations that may turn dangerous if the horse is allowed to move.
Tip 3. If the horse is going into a scary or new environment then encourage the horse to put their head down. This is easier from the ground. The use of treats can also help the horse move their head down, and be a reward for calm behaviour. If possible, have a more experienced buddy horse there as a calming tool.
Tip 4. Use a wiggle of the reins or lead rope, or a voice interruption for a spook when the horse is not prone to bolting, and then go back immediately to what you were doing or something else easier (don’t stop and reward the spook). Spooking often happens due to overwhelming factors, which can include working hard or doing something difficult on top of some other stimulus. Therefore reducing the stimulus of something that you can control (the task the horse does) can help the horse to control themselves.
Tip 5. Have a well practiced routine that the horse knows and can execute well as a warm up in a difficult environment. This will give the horse confidence. E.g. walk in 10 meter circles, change the rein, stop, move backwards, and any other moves that the horse knows well to be done in the same order.
Those are some of my tips to help the horse in the moment. Of course, spending time with gradual introduction to stimulating environments can build the horses ‘immunity’ to getting overwhelmed. Good stimulus (like rubbing the mane in front of the wither – if they like that, accupressure near the poll and other relaxing points, or giving feed/treats) in conjunction with scary stimulus can diminish the response, which can be repeated at regular intervals to desensitise horses to environments and sounds. Horses bodies are large and unwieldy which leaves them feeling vulnerable to things going on around them. Therefore good coordination and body awareness (proprioception) can also aid the horse in their level of confidence. There are methods such as using TTouch wraps that can help horses feel more confident and aware of their bodies, stretching and mobilising bodywork, and Sure Foot® pads that help horses reset their nervous system. All of this helps with their coping mechanisms under stress.
There’s something about horses, a sixth sense that most humans are not attuned to noticing. Let’s call it the ‘energy sense’. I believe that this comes from the highly developed nervous system in the horse, a gift of evolution that has helped them survive. There is a hypothesis that horses synchronise their heartbeats in a herd and also that a horse-human synchronisation of heartbeats can occur. As yet, I’ve not read the science and research that backs up those claims, but it sounds quite plausible.
From my observations, synchronisation is a calming factor with horses. We don’t always know it, but it’s also the same for humans. Mirroring others is entwined in our human social bonding.
Whether we know it or not, human beings can also sense energetic changes. The problem with us is that we are very good at projecting what we think is happening on to external sources. If we feel anxious, we will somehow find something to blame and fail to acknowledge our anxiety. I do it – you probably do it – let’s be honest!
Horses have no need to pretend that they’re anything other than what they are.
My recent issues with not being able to catch my mare, Lily, would be an example. I happen to know already that she reacts strongly to my energy. It’s likely that she reacts to the energy of the other horses too, but I have to acknowledge that I’ve been stressed lately, rather than blame it fully on introducing her into a herd with mares (see my previous post titled ‘Setbacks‘).
It’s a frustrating revelation then that anxiety problems in the horse are mostly our problem. Good horse trainers can push horses into anxiety while teaching them but then bring it down again just as easily. It causes me to conclude that a method of training is not nearly as important as the human who is doing the training. If the horse senses anxiety then they will not be able to bring their stress down. This can even happen in R+ only training which purports to have the best welfare of the the horse in mind. However, R+ trained horses may display emotional reactions that keep their anxiety active. I believe that there is a difference between being ‘nice’ and being ‘kind’. Have you ever tried to raise a child with a method that involves being ‘nice’ all the time to them? Hence, I rest my case!
Kindness on the other hand is clarity, boundaries, and mutual respect. Sometimes kindness involves being very firm. Kindness also involves listening. Kindness involves teaching another to function properly for their own sake (and not for our own egotistical agenda). Kindness involves building self-esteem rather than entitlement. In the R+ world, I see quite a few horses that have entitlement issues. The ‘give me, give me, give me’ mantra. This creates nervous habits when the treat or reward does not come immediately. Again, I have to look to parenting for a parallel – I have a teenager at home that thinks 24/7 use of a smart phone is her entitlement (everyone else is doing that!). But to be kind, I have to teach her how to function in the world that requires other activites, and that involves getting as firm as necessary to break that addiction. The withdrawal period at first is really the hardest bump to get over, and then when the emotional reaction has subsided there will be a greater capacity to think more clearly.
At some level, in order to develop completely as a human being, you need to be aware that there’s no need to be anything other than what you are.
When you develop a certain level of comfort and confidence about who you are internally, then you’re free to be part of herds. You’re free to have relationships with people.
If you want to reduce anxiety in your horse, then look to yourself and accept who you are and what you need to do to be kind (rather than nice) and then confidently apply your method of teaching which is clear and consistent, giving the horse enough time to understand. I’ve mentioned before that we often do not see behind the scenes of how good trainers develop their horses (see the post on Honing into your Intuition). Anxiety is not created by pushing the horse, it is created by never allowing them to drop their level of stress while they are around us. Clarity and understanding gives the horse a stable emotional state. Pressure and release is not evil and R+ is not always an enlightened method of training. Our emotional state is the key, and the method is secondary.
Today I ventured back to my old neighbourhood near Old North Rd to have a lesson with Ramón Guerrero, a classical trainer and co-founder of the Royal School of Equestrian Art in southern Spain. I took Toby the Pony with me to learn how to do classical long rein properly (I have never had a lesson in this before).
So, we turn up with our long rein ‘gear’ which was a kiwi ingenuity do-dah of two sets of reins joined together to make a long rein…thankfully, Ramón was very understanding of my explanation that you cannot buy a classical long rein in New Zealand. ‘What do we have here?,’ he must have been thinking.
Ramón, who is now 70 years old by the way (and looking in great health!) watched us at first to see what we knew. Well, let’s just say, that turned out to be very little when it comes to the long rein methods! First of all, I was standing on the wrong side of the horse. So, I was advised to switch to the outside and use the inside rein to turn Toby on a circle.
Toby was not going forward into the bit which meant that I had very little maneuverability of direction. So, he had to get a bit more forward and taking the contact. We did some exercises to help this, a sort of lunging with the horse between the long reins, so that the outside rein went around his hind. Then another version of the double lunging with the outside rein crossing over the wither, which is not as efficient for the flexion, but with the main aim of getting more forward movement.
Apparently, I am to be ‘the commander’, so I’ve been a little too relaxed about our training. Toby was told to get to work, which is exactly what I was expecting from Ramón. To my surprise though, the trot work is where he will build the strength for piaffe. I thought that the canter is harder work for the horse, but with Toby electing to canter over trot, it seems that this is the easier way for him to get out of using his back. We are going to do the exercises from now in trot.
Our beginners piaffe was called a ‘shuffle’ by Ramón. I had figured that I would get some good honest truth, and well, I could hardly be offended by that…we’ve never been taught anything about this! So, we are going back to the drawing board until he has more strength in his back to be able to lift up as a diagonal piaffe that can move forward, rather than shuffling on the spot.
To Toby’s credit, Ramón did see the potential and said that he looked like a mini-Lipizzaner. I know that Toby has the heart of a Lipizzaner even if he is a good old kiwi stationbred! He definitely thinks he’s special. Unfortunately, Toby didn’t know about all the hard work that Lipizzaner’s do to look so special. Well, he might have a clue now!
We did a kind of shoulder-in lunging technique that Toby needs to do until he can hold his back in place for the piaffe. Luckily, he’s a quick learner. Now, for the gruelling schedule of daily practice. Classical training is very demanding. Ramón told me that to get to Grand Prix in the long rein he schooled his horse every day for two years. Okay maybe five days a week for us…I’m not sure we are headed for Grand Prix!
I also learned that Ramón is very fascinated by snow and skiing…perhaps I could teach him something??
Daniel Coyle’s book ‘The Talent Code’ is one of my favourite books. It is a goldmine of tips on developing skill. It debunks the myth that talent is born. Instead, demonstrating through examples of the author’s research, how talent is developed. Ten thousand hours of deep practice is the core premise of becoming an expert.
What is deep practice?
Deep practice involves struggle. It is a cycle of paying attention to errors and practicing again by making a correction in the quest for a better attempt.
The sweet spot: that productive, uncomfortable terrain located just beyond our current abilities, where our reach exceeds our grasp. Deep practice is not simply about struggling; it’s about seeking a particular struggle, which involves a cycle of distinct actions.
The theory is pertinent to any skill being developed. We often classify our skill level based on years of experience. However, this is not a true measure of skill. The amount of time spent gaining experience is only worthwhile if the practice involves extending your capabilities by making mistakes and being particular about correcting errors.
I have posted previously with some thoughts on how we can be misled into discouragement. Expert information is powerful and let’s be honest, it’s something that some experts try to protect for their own security. We need to debunk some myths on that journey:
Years of ‘experience’ by itself does not make an expert. The willingness to struggle over and over learning from mistakes is the key to becoming an expert. Reaching the top level of talent takes about 10,000 hours of this process.
It is not a linear process. Change follows a very chaotic pattern which is mostly hidden from view in the recounting of how people reached success.
In Daniel Coyle’s book he has researched some of the talent ‘hotbeds’ where exceptional skill is mastered; the soccer schools of Brazil, the tennis academy in Moscow, the writing of the Bronte sisters. The author has found similarities in all of these skill incubators – Practice, Ignition, and Master Coaching.
Ignition is the energy, passion and commitment. It is the motivational fuel to make the struggle worthwhile. In my own experience of running a grassroots vaulting club, the ignition is absolutely critical. It is the first part of developing skill. For our club to begin, we looked to the top performers to provide our ignition. They were the inspiration where we could see the future possibilities. Our vaulting club was started in 2014, the year that the New Zealand vaulters competed in the World Equestrian Games in France.
The other part of the developing exceptional talent is the coaching. One important skill of the coach is that they are absolutely committed to the development of their students.
One does not become a master coach by accident.
The skills of master coaches are not grandiose and a mere radiance of their presence. This is why a highly acclaimed expert is often not the most successful coach. Master coaches have the following similarities:
Listening far more than they talk.
Older and reserved.
Less inclined to give inspiring speeches and pep talks.
Spending the most time offering small and deliberate alterations to student practice.
Our Real Life Experience – the making of a vaulter
The journey of my daughter, Jasmyn, is a great example of some of the concepts in this post. Our vaulting journey began in 2014 when we attended Equidays and Jasmyn met the Kapiti Vaulting Club team that had represented New Zealand at the World Equestrian Games. In this video Jasmyn is trying vaulting for the first time as part of the youth camp at Equidays.
From then on Jasmyn was hooked, the ignition had been started! She had two collaborators to help her in this journey – me (Mum) providing the resources to allow her to practice, and her younger sister who was equally keen to do gymnastics on horseback.
Then came five years of practice. Jasmyn wasn’t afraid of making mistakes and trying again. In fact she had printed out a saying and posted it on her wall.
That quote served us a few times in our struggles and suffering of major setbacks. We tried to create a financially stable club – we failed at that, but continued using our own resources to keep vaulting and train others. We were privileged to be given a trained horse, but he had difficulties and we ended up having to retire him early. There were consequences for our lack of funding and after a few tries, we decided that it was not viable for us to run camps. But we took every opportunity that came our way, from performing at local events to attending the vaulting camps and club competitions at the Kapiti vaulting club and eventually joining them to perform at Equidays .
Our little club that was operated from our home barn gained a presence in the online vaulting world with videos of our training sessions on Muriwai beach. This attracted some highly experienced European vaulters to stay with us while travelling in New Zealand, providing us with expert coaching. Our lovely 18.1hh horse, Tiny, gifted to us from the Kapiti Vaulting club, was certainly a catalyst on this vaulting adventure.
After sending Tiny on to live a more relaxed life with a new family, we only had our smaller Clydesdale crossbred horse, Hugo, to carry on our performances. As Hugo became slower with age we even had our little 13.2hh pony in some events. It was not ideal, but Jasmyn and our small group of vaulters continued despite the barriers, and driven by the inspiration of the Kapiti Vaulting club and the vaulters who had came to coach us. The calendar of the 2014 performance at the World Equestrian Games in Normandy, France was still hanging up in our hay barn beside the vaulting barrel and a wall mirror for perfecting those moves on the barrel. Our skills at performing to music were improving as we showed up at more events doing our own performances and watching other performers, learning from mistakes and also successes. We studied what others were doing, and also developed our own flavour and creative skills. The following video shows the girls practicing one of the performances, as they did judiciously for hours on the barrel in the barn. It was later performed on Tiny at his last vaulting event.
In 2017 we purchased a big warmblood called Chico to replace Tiny, but we were sadly misled in this purchase, costing us quite a bit of money for a horse that was not suitable for vaulting – in fact he was a rehabilitation case and we ended up exhausting our finances trying to help him. The vaulting club pretty much ground to a halt in that phase. We gave a big push to reinvigorate it by offering vaulting barrel lessons, but that didn’t take off. Another fail.
Jasmyn kept going though. While our vaulting club had come to a demise, she looked further afield, setting her sights on making the New Zealand team that was aiming to compete at the Vaulting World Championships for Juniors in 2019. At 14 years old she was invited to Kapiti, with a host family arranged, and she went to train with the club in their build up to the World Champs. She had some catching up to do, not having done canter vaulting in a while and having started vaulting a few years later than most of the team. The determination was there and she was selected to the New Zealand team, culminating in her international vaulting debut. Jasmyn went to compete in Europe in 2019, with only a few chances to practice before this competition on a completely unfamiliar horse (and she exercises her motto with perfection here, keeping going after a fail).
Jasmyn had been an integral part of the Waimauku Vaulting Club, teaching others at clinics and lessons over the years. We went on that journey with her, keeping the motivation around for her to reach upwards. Her vaulting continues now through the Kapiti Vaulting Club. There are still momentus barriers from our little island in the Pacific where there is no formal competition, and the recent world pandemic state has isolated us even further from aiming for another achievement. But maybe it’s a little ‘hotbed’ for vaulting here in New Zealand? The ingredients are here and the struggles and failures are certainly real. Perhaps that makes us all that more determined to get there in the end.
One of the hardest things to overcome in training your horse, is feeling like you’ve got to be ‘up there’ with the rest of them. When you succumb to the pressure of taking shortcuts or forcing something to happen, it never seems to work out for the best in the long run.
I have a couple of ‘rules’ to try and stop myself from falling prey to this human tendency.
If I cannot show up with the right mindset for my horse, then I need to take a day off riding and horse training. This includes being too tired, because that can be a minefield, one minute you have patience and the next minute a short fuse reduces you to the epitome of what you know is the wrong way to train your horse.
Always falling back on my intuition. If it doesn’t feel right then stop doing it (no matter who is giving me instruction).
I recently broke both of these rules. There are many horse trainers who won’t tell you about their negative experiences. This does create a sense of awe for their competence from us mere mortals. BUT really, behind the scenes, there are many negative things going on. The key to a good horse trainer is that there is growth from those experiences.
There are many people who like to give advice and who seem to be someone worth listening to. They may have a good level of riding ability or their horse is well trained. Many times, the advice that they give is useful. BUT, we need to put that through our intuition filter. Firstly, we don’t always know the background of where the information is coming from. The negative experiences have probably been omitted to make it seem like the process was more simple than it actually is. The more reputable the horse trainer, the more likely that you are not getting the whole story (and it’s somewhat understandable that people choose to omit parts so that the critics have less ammunition).
I’m finding that even though I believe in my own horse training abilities, and I have the desire to keep learning and growing, I can get side-tracked by self-doubt at times. Staying the course of YOUR journey with YOUR horse is a test of YOUR discipline to not let YOUR ego get in the way. Yes, I want to prove that I can do it. And No, I don’t like showing mistakes or negative experiences. BUT that is the way that we learn. It comes with the journey (even for high level riders and trainers). Perfection always has a price that comes with it – an inability to show your mistakes. So, in the spirit of showing imperfections and accepting our progress as good enough I am presenting our latest training efforts.
I started teaching Toby, the (cheeky) pony, the piaffe last week. I’ve had this on my radar for a while, slowly building up the ability to carry himself upwards and tuck his hind end underneath himself. He’s a smart little guy and l’m impressed with his ability to learn from me in this regard, having not trained the piaffe before. I have been repeating the steps with very gradual incremental parts to lifting his feet up over the week, and we built up to a couple of steps on the spot. I honestly have no idea if we are moving in the right direction with this. It does not look great yet. It’s a process. I am moving a lot on the spot and this is not yet easy for him. But here are the beginnings of something and I’m going to at least give myself some kudos for experimenting with something new (even with our fumbling along). The knowledge will come now that we have a desire to learn it.
Change is not linear progression. It looks like this (yes I drew that myself!).
Acknowledging this messy and chaotic way of development is hard for us when we are wired for perfection. This can make us give up! Others tend not to divulge this process as they work their way through something, because it can be interpreted as failure. People might try to step in and help us when they see this happening…not always actually helping, but sometimes even hindering us. So, don’t be afraid of mistakes and setbacks. They are a normal part of growth, a frustrating part, but nonetheless necessary.
Here’s where I confess my setbacks. Well, I’m running through a succession of them at the moment. From going back to a basic paddock for training (having had to say goodbye to my sweat and tears hand-built sand arena at the farm I have just sold), to a number of unexpected training setbacks with the horses. It has been a lump of them at once and that has dashed my confidence a bit. However, I have pulled some strength out by remembering what has been achieved already. I can look back and be proud of those things which refill my cup as I go into tackling the difficulties I am facing.
This is our new place. A block of grazing land. My former barn and mud-free covered pens has been replaced by a couple of shipping containers with some tape for a makeshift pen on the grass. The electric fencing is a bit light in power and the horses have been breaking through frequently (daily for Gino the chestnut) into the lush grass. Sugary grass = wild ponies.
We’ve been taking it slow in the training department. I like to give the horses time to adjust to new surroundings. It’s been a big shift for all of us, and a break was quite welcome on my part too. But now, weeks in, I’m getting back to some sort of routine. Lily, the black mare, has had to cope with another 5 mares taking the attention of her boys in the next door paddock. She’s been policing the interactions, but Gino is quite smitten with some over the fence smooching. I don’t know if this is the reason that Lily has been a bit shifty and moody. I’ve had a hard time catching her lately. This seemed to intensify after I took her out on the weekend in the horse float (trailer for those outside NZ). She is not keen to get in the float, and it took me a while to cajole her into it on our way there. The methods for asking her to keep going forward (as advised by an experienced trainer) would not necessarily be too harsh when used with most horses, but she is a very sensitive horse. After this incident, I have spent days training her again to be caught with the halter. She had decided to show me in a big way that some trust was damaged. I could approach without the halter and feed and pick her hooves out, but as soon as I came up with a halter she bolted around the paddock, determined to outrun me despite the sweat it was causing her (unusual for Lily as she conserves her energy quite wisely). It just goes to show the level that she is able to communicate with me. It was all about the halter.
I’ve also come to realise that I know my own horses very well, and sometimes I downplay my own intuition when I’m taking advice from someone who seems to have a better skills. Unfortunately my penchant to defer to others does cost me time lost if the method is not suitable for my horse and I now have to undo more issues. Eventually things will get back to normal with patience. We’ve had hurdles before that have been overcome but it has to be in the time frame of the horse. Often we don’t know the agenda behind other people’s actions. You can only take a situation for how it affects your horse and what you are prepared to deal with as consequences.
My main goal is to enjoy my time with the horses. They are an expensive and time consuming hobby. There is no point in being on someone else’s timeline or agenda. This is my hobby, my money spent, my recreational activity. It needs to fit my agenda only, which is to develop a confident horse and a trusting partnership, taking the time it takes on my availability. I’m okay dealing with setbacks – they are not failures of my horsemanship. It’s part of the process.
One of the most difficult things to navigate in life, I have found, are disruptive people. They use all manner of tactics to implement their disruption. There are those who become involved in building something together, allowing you to depend on them and then withdraw, often without explanation and if one is given it is to assign blame on your part. Then there are others who will belittle and criticise your efforts to develop and grow, either covertly or sometimes even overtly. And then the ultimate disrupters are those who create obstacles and barriers to slow down your progress or even halt it. The latter would be referred to without question as bullying, but belittling also has an element of bullying and so does the use of withdrawl in terms of creating an uneven power balance and the effect of disrupting progress.
The key to managing disruptive people is to remove the effects of their tactics. A strong sense of self is required to move ahead without taking personal objection to these tactics. It is common for these tactics to work because of our social structure and high dependence on others for validation. It can literally break us down when we don’t have enough sources of validation. Disruptive people themselves are often seeking validation but they do not use a healthy means of attaining it through merit and mutual support. Instead they want to shortcut the process, usually because of some form of entitlement, and gain validation through means of power over others. Gaining power over others in an unhealthy way is by diminishing others to gain status, rather than earning status by gaining respect.
Typical traits of people who are disruptive include:
lack of empathy
excessive needs for admiration and being treated as special
difficulty with attachment and dependency
seeing their needs as priority and failing to acknowledge others needs
fixed mindsets and envy
The most effective way of removing the effects of their tactics is to remove the disruptive person themselves from your sphere of orbit. Often times disruptive people will play on the use of pity to enable them to repeat their process again and again. They will also use tactics such as gaslighting, a technique that denies and twists the perspective in order to cause you to doubt yourself. For example, giving a cruel message and then saying it was a joke. Another example is blatantly denying something happened. Blameshifting is another tactic that disruptive people use in order to avoid responsibility and accountability for their actions. They will often have a severe reaction to your reaction to their initial behaviour. For example, a disruptive person may fail to show up for something important, and then instead of apologising they get annoyed or withdraw when you bring up your disappointment, as well as include reasons for their behaviour that were because of you. “You didn’t tell me….” etc.
In circumstances when you have to deal with disruptive people, it can only be said that you need to get VERY THICK SKIN. Disruptive people try hard to disrupt and it can feel like an onslaught and a never ending battle. Often these people will be very conscious about hiding their disruptive behaviour and their external image will be well crafted to look saintly. Some ways to address it can be to give them minor or few responsibilities so that they do not have the ability to disrupt important things. You can also accept their need for superficial recognition by providing flattery and compliments in higher quantities (as cheesy as that sounds). Ask for their opinions (where you may be able to follow their guidance) and be sparing about offering your opinions to them. From their perspective, their opinion is the only one that matters, so don’t get caught in a trap of giving out information that will be later used against you. The most important factor is not to give up on your goals. Look for ways around the disruptive person to reach your objectives. Eventually, they will tire of disrupting and move onto an easier target.
See the light at the end of the tunnel and keep moving towards it!